


We Are Bulletproof

by kamara



Series: Who's Laughing Now? [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, Love/Hate, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:13:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamara/pseuds/kamara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Who's Laughing Now?</p><p>ON A HIATUS, BE BACK SOON OR A BIT LATER.</p><p>"It's funny how much people change as the years go by, don't you think? They act like they don't even remember you. But somewhere deep inside, they know way better than that."</p><p>Adam is not such a businessman anymore. Sauli is a strange, troubled young man who sees Adam as a creepy stalker, which is kind of true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - A New Life?

**Author's Note:**

> The sequel to Who's Laughing Now? is here. This will make a lot more sense to you after you read the first part of the series, so make sure you've done that before anything else.
> 
> Enjoy the ride!

                                             

Sauli:

 

I knew something was yet to happen. Right when my life was even close to perfect... I know, you can't live a perfectly perfect life, but to me, the path I was walking was the right one, the _perfect_ one.

A guy with a short, platinum blonde hair and cool cheekbones - that's who I was. Sauli Koskinen. Nothing weird, nothing different, just like everyone else in this world, right? Yeah, that's what I had thought too. But apparently my life decided to fuck itself up. Actually, to be more exact, _someone_ decided to fuck my life up.

I got shot in the head. With a handgun. Just like that. Boom. But hey, I'm alive, writing this very sentence for you to read right now. So you'd think it wasn't that bad, after all. I think you're wrong.

The shot made me lose my memory. No, no, not everything. But certain parts of my life were a total blank line for me. Nothing. I didn't remember my early teen years at all, and there was no one who could enlighten me. I was twenty-two when that happened. It's weird that I still remember the foggy night. But I'm not going to share it with you, not right now.

The surgery that I had after the bullet had pierced my brain... it went well enough to keep me alive. But it was scary. I always had a high chance of dying. Higher than normally. I don't mean car accidents or anything like that. There was a chance that my brain would just shut down without any warnings. The lights would just go off in the middle of a store without me noticing a thing. Then I would just collapse and be dead like that. It sounds crazy, but it's the honest side of me talking. 

I was told to avoid any kind of stress, overthinking or anything that could damage the brain. So basically, I shouldn't really have been allowed to breathe. But I managed. I didn't die. I lived in fear for a long-ass time. Sometimes I wished I'd die. My life was being sucked by the Devil. It didn't feel right. "There's no one who would be left missing you. You'd harm no one," my mind had kept saying. But I still lived. I didn't have the courage to do it by myself. If it was to happen, it would. But seemingly my time hadn't come yet.

 

One visit to the hospital turned my negative thinking another way around, kind of. The doctors told me that my brain was healing, and the risk of dying of brain damage was slowly fading away. You don't know how happy I was at that moment. I could finally breathe again. But then I remembered: I had nothing to live for. My attention had been stuck on the fact that I was probably dying, and I hadn't given it enough thought. _What if I recovered? What would be the point? Could I continue living my life without anyone around me?_ It would have been too easy, I knew it. But there still was a little part of me talking: maybe I could start everything from the beginning? With no fears, nothing to care for... No one to get support from. It sounded tempting. I had survived without anyone with me for a long time, of course I was going to continue living the same way. Now it's just... there was nothing to be scared of. I was more free. That was how I saw it.

"Fuck it," I had said to myself, slamming my fist against the wall before me. "I'm going to Los Angeles!"


	2. an old friend

Adam:

 

"Do you hear that?" 

"No."

"There's someone at the door." I looked up from the book that I was holding in my hands, meeting Ashley's scared eyes. I frowned up at her.

"Baby, we're living in the middle of the city. These noises are typical," I mumbled, but it didn't seem to get my wife to relax. She raised her chin up while rubbing our seven-year-old son's arm gently. "Ashley?" I asked, my voice higher than usual. She tensed, her eyes widening quickly. She looked back at me with a questioning expression.

"Can you please go check it out?" Her eyes were pleading, she was slightly shaking. I kept the frown on my face as I got up from the leather couch and dropped the closed book onto the table in front of me. 

"I'll be right back." My bare feet touched the warm floor like dust, as if I was floating. The hem of my way too big t-shirt was tapping my thighs gently just to be greeted by my electric blue trousers. I didn't wear anything like this too often, I had been too busy with work lately, but now I had time to take a breath again and _relax_. Our new house was the best place to spend the free time at, of course. It was so quiet and calm, now too big nor was it bright. It had taken us months to find it and months to get it the way we wanted. I was proud of it though. The neighborhood was perfect for children. Our son had made new friends quickly. Me too, I had actually been able to get social. The skills had finally showed up useful.

When I approached the front door, I didn't hear anyone behind it. I stopped breathing for a couple seconds, then I opened the door as slowly as I could. I knew it wouldn't be a murderer or anything, but it's Los Angeles, you guys. Full of surprises, wanted it or not.

When the door was all the way open, I was greeted by a familiar face. At first, it didn't click. Then, after five seconds, it hit me like a bottle of rocks. My face lit up and I stepped forward, touching the person's arm, as to make sure he was real. He was.

"Max, what the hell?" was the first sentence to leave my mouth. He laughed, clapping his hands, excited and happy.

"Well it's good to see you too," he answered with a grin forming on his face, followed by a glow. I hesitated for a moment, then stepped back.

"Come in." He did. I closed the door behind us and watched him as he looked around the hall, beyond curious. 

"Adam?" I heard Ashley shout from the living room. Max looked over at me with an even more curious look. I nodded.

"Come here! We got a visitor!"

"I'm a visitor? Wow, that name doesn't sound familiar at all." His voice was full of sarcasm. I was eager to know so many things. Where had he been traveling? What had happened? How was he doing in general? My thoughts were a big question mark.

My wife entered the hall with the blonde-haired boy walking behind her. His eyes were on Max. When Ashley saw my ex-worker, she nodded towards him and smiled, earning a sigh from Max. 

"So this is the kid, huh? Adorable," he stated while kneeling down to see the boy better. Ashley huffed.

"Felix. His name is Felix." Max hummed something in response, his full attention was on the seven-year-old. "Honey, that's Max," Ashley nodded towards him with a proud, motherly smile lighting up her face. 

After a moment of silence, Max stood up. "I have some serious sh... stuff to tell you, Adam," he said, his tone gone calm and "professional" again. I knew he had a reason to come here. I nodded my head. "It's not too serious, don't worry. I actually think you'll like to hear," he continued, smiling to prove his point. I lead the group back into the living room and all of us sat on the big couch. Max made himself at home almost instantly, throwing his arms in the air.

I could tell that was the perfect moment to start asking questions. "So, what has happened? Haven't seen you in years, I bet your journey has been full of stuff to share with people, right?" I started as he was still stretching out his limbs.

"Yeah, well, it's nothing that interesting. I never went to Hollywood. I think I said something like that last time we spoke, didn't I?" I nodded, grinning at him. "I knew it. I was a man with some big dreams. So, I'll just tell you the whole story, it's actually pretty fucking epic. Sorry," Max laughed when he saw Ashley's expression hardening.

"So, right after I found David, we left the city. We were like 'hey screw it, let's reach for the stars!' So, we traveled to New York City, and that was the epic part. We rented an apartment, man! That was the life, seriously. Night clubs, hot chicks all over, awesome sight-seeings... It was the shit! I wish I could've been able to stay there," he sighed, clearly frustrated by something. I raised an eyebrow.

"What made you leave?" Max looked up at me with a sad pair of eyes.

"Some things went down, so David and I decided to get out of there, that's all. Nothing that serious," he mumbled. I decided to let it be, he would tell if he wanted to.

I tapped my lap in rhythm, looking over at the clock. It read four. It was afternoon, but the sun was blocked by an army of dark clouds. "So, anything else? Did you settle down? Where's your brother?" I was more than curious. 

"After New York, David moved in with some chick, he told me how much he loved her and all, there was nothing that could stop him. I have no idea of his current location, haven't talked to him in forever. I moved to Washington, like we talked. I never left the country, didn't get enough money for that. And now I'm here, back in fucking L.A. Awesome," he laughed. I rolled my eyes at him.

I was maybe a little too happy to see this guy again. I mean, we weren't friends back in the day, but now it was as if we had been besties for years. It was weird, but I couldn't help the nostalgia.

"So that's all? What's your plan now?" I asked, my eyes going through the floors and the dark red walls. Max shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm thirty now, the perfect age to really settle down. These past eight years have been hectic and full of good and bad shit. I got a job here now again. So I'm living." He was smiling again. I smiled back, showing him a thumbs up. 

After a short moment, one thought crossed my mind. I wasn't sure if I should ask about it, but I felt like I had to know.

"So... what happened to Sauli?" The second I said his name, Max's face expression hardened again and he looked down at the floor, having me worried. I pressed a hand on his arm and felt him tremble under my touch. "Max?"

When he looked up at me, he took in a deep breath and swallowed. I could hear him let out a quiet whimper. Ashley figured it was the time for her to leave the room.

"I'm going to take a walk with Felix. I'm sure you two have a lot to discuss," she mumbled and left, closing the door behind her back. My full attention was on Max. He had dropped his gaze back down. I leaned my head to the side, waiting for him to say something.

He did.

"He's... he's dead," came a quiet reply, filled with pain and sadness. Then he broke down. His quiet sobs filled the room as he started shaking. I was shocked. Beyond. I just stared right ahead, taking my hand back in a flash. _Is he serious?_ was my first thought. _Of course he is, he's fucking crying!_ was my second. 

"Wh- what?" 

"Someone shot him in the head." My eyes shot up in alarm, my body finally answering again. My left hand raised up to hold onto my mouth as I stared.

"When did it happen?" I muttered. Max shook his head.

"About five years ago," he breathed in and out a couple times, "at his apartment. I don't know who did it, but I couldn't stay there, I didn't want to be included. We had become such good friends with Sauli, the three years were fucking awesome, for all of us. When it happened, David and I left the city right away. But we never got over it. I still haven't. I don't think I ever will." I felt nauseous. 

"What kind of a human does something like that?" I asked, feeling a lump getting stuck in my throat. 

"A sick person, I don't know. It's scary. Sauli was the last one to deserve it. He didn't," the younger man mumbled, I could see tears still running down his cheeks. I felt so bad.

Max stood up. "I better keep going now, I have stuff to do in the city." I nodded, getting up myself to lead him to the front door. When we came to it, he hugged me tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and with one final look, he was out the door. I was taken aback by the waves of information that had just hit me. I sat down onto a chair, and let the tears start falling down. I couldn't hold it back any longer. 

_So, our paths weren't meant to come together again, were they?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is fun.


	3. we don't do peace

Sauli:

 

"You have three minutes to clean this mess, Koskinen," a rough voice said next to my ear, leaving me standing there with an empty tray in my hands and two broken glasses in front of my feet, hot liquid still pouring onto the floor. I could feel people's eyes on me as I quickly picked up the big pieces and carried them to the garbage can. 

"Koskinen is on it again," someone said. "Does he really get paid for this?" another one huffed. I tried my best to ignore the comments, focusing on the mess that I had made while trying to serve the customers. My face felt cold and lifeless against my palm, as if I wasn't alive. In fact, that's how it felt for me. I was a lifeless piece of shit trying to make a living without good results. 

These people had no clue. I hadn't told anyone about my past, such as the little shot that caused me to not remember shit. The thought was disgusting, but maybe it was better that way. If they knew, I would have been even more of a weirdo than I already was. The sad truth, there's no denying it.

"I'm... I'm ready," I muttered as I placed the tray onto the counter. My employer didn't even turn his head to look at me, didn't say a word. That's how it always was. My day had come to an end. I watched as the people slowly left the café, some mumbling their thanks and byes to the employees - no one looked at me though. They all were aware of me even though Los Angeles was a big city. It seemed like everyone knew my name and my personality, even though everything they had was my surname, _Koskinen_.

When I had changed my clothes, I left the building silently, more than eager to get back home. The sun had gone to sleep already, replaced by the beautiful moon. I looked up at the night sky, blowing hot air out of my lungs, noticing that I was shaking. It wasn't cold, in fact, the weather was warm and cloudless. I wasn't feeling cold, but something had to have caused the feeling. I wrapped my thin arms around myself, hoping for it to go away. It didn't. I sighed, glancing down at my black boots that I had bought over four years ago. They were still doing a good job.

I quietly cursed under my breath, feeling exhausted and dirty. My plans for the night were the same as always: get home, take a shower, go to sleep. I would go buy something to eat from a bakery, but the tiredness had taken over me, all I wanted was sleep.

As my house came into view, I let out a sigh of relief. I held the key to the front door in my hand, actually gripping on it tightly enough to make my knuckles go white. My head was hurting from the lack of sleep. Another thing that I noticed just now. 

Soon I approached the black door. I unlocked it and stepped inside the completely dark house. When the door was firmly locked behind me, I shifted on the light in the hall and took in the sight. _Home_. I dropped the key onto a table near me as usual, my movements small and slow. I basically ran into the bathroom and immediately threw everything that I had on me, onto the floor. I wanted to make this quick, tomorrow would be another busy day for me.

I turned on the shower and stepped in, groaning as the hot water hit my cold, pale skin. I massaged my tattooed arm lightly with my hands, just now noticing the soreness. This felt heavenly. Crazy good. I massaged my scalp with shampoo-filled hands, my eyes shut tightly. Small sounds were escaping from time to time as I opened and closed my mouth, almost in rhythm. 

"Fuck," I whispered. I could fall asleep like that, the water washing off my stress and the rocks that I had been carrying on my shoulders all day. 

When I felt like I was completely finished, I stepped out and wrapped a black towel around my thin waist. I let my hair be, I wouldn't care less about the water drops hitting the floor. 

Just when I thought the day was finally over, I heard the annoying sound of my doorbell. Who the fuck could it be at that time? I took a quick look at the mirror, deciding to just go and take it, I didn't look that fucked up.

With light, short steps I made my way to the front door, opening it without any hesitation. I was too tired to give a crap.

"Hello," a low female voice was heard. I took a step back, taking a moment to look at the woman standing in front of me. Dark red, short hair, a lip piercing, brown eyes. Matilda.

I wasn't expecting to see her anytime soon, since she had just visited me less than a week ago. She grinned down at me and stepped inside the house without a sentence being said. I turned around to look at her.

"What are you doing here?" She looked surprised, as if my question was somehow stupid. Then she let out a chuckle.

"I have your money. Didn't you say you needed more? The renting of this house is making your life difficult, huh?" she stated, looking around the small, dark hallway. I didn't say anything. I felt embarrassed.

"The cash you gave me earlier last week is enough for this month," I answered with an unsure yet poisonous expression. 

Matilda huffed. "Always so modest. Come on, Sauli, I know you need this." She took out two hundred dollar bills. I shook my head at her in alarm.

"I don't! I'm already feeling bad about this whole thing, I don't want anything more. I have a job," I said, raising my hands up. The woman before me blinked.

"Sauli, we both know that you don't get paid enough. There's nothing I can do about it, but this is what I want to offer you. Please, ta-"

"I AM NOT TAKING YOUR MONEY, MATILDA. GET OVER IT, I'M FINE, ALRIGHT?" I screamed and opened the door again. "Please, just... leave." I looked down. Matilda gave me a sympathetic look, but left without another word. She knew me. There was no fighting back.

Matilda had been offering me help since the day I moved back to Los Angeles. I felt bad about it. I was like a little kid who needed help. I felt like a loser. Maybe I was one, I don't know. What kind of a 27-year-old can't do his job like a normal citizen? It shouldn't be so difficult. But for me, it apparently was.

I fell onto my couch in the living room, exhaling deeply. I turned on the TV as I really had nothing better to do. A music channel should go, I didn't care, I was ready to fall asleep. I was going to face another set of nightmares again, it was obvious.


	4. familiar

Adam:

 

The sky above the city of Los Angeles was clear, blue and completely lit up by the sun that was shining brightly. 

I love California.

I had come to this little park with Felix, just to have a small picnic and some laid-back time. Ashley had work to do, so this was just perfect. I'm not saying that I preferred time without her, but man, the peace.

Felix was reading a book that I had given him earlier to read. He was fully focused on the text, he probably wouldn't hear a thing that happened around him at that point. His anxiety problems had gotten me to be a prepared father, more prepared than normally. I always had a good book with me, just in case of Felix getting restless or somehow uneasy. It had taken a while for me to get used to it, but eventually, I did. 

I watched, unfocused, how people walked around the park, enjoying the warmth. A group of teens were playing football between some trees, the loud yelling getting people's attention. 

Saturdays are magical.

"Dad?" came an unsure, questionable whisper from behind me. I looked down to see my son staring at something with a frown on his face. Then he raised his hand up to point out whatever the item was. I furrowed my brow at him.

"What is it?" I asked politely. Felix's eyes were getting bigger.

"Do you see those men?" he asked. "The ones holding hands," he tried to be more exact. I looked up again.

"Yeah..." I mumbled, my eyes focusing on the couple. "What about them?" Not more than ten feet away from us stood two brown-haired, slim-looking men, holding onto each other's hands. Small kisses were shared once in a while, the taller guy trying to make the other one laugh, seemingly succeeding. I smiled at them as their eyes washed over me. Their smiles weren't left their faces. 

"They're just cute, that's all," I heard Felix mumble. He was re-focusing on the book again, his hands gripping on it. I giggled, tapping his small shoulders lightly. He didn't move an inch. 

"They are, indeed," I answered.

 

_He pulled back a little so that he could see my face. Our eyes met. His gorgeous, blue eyes were red from all the crying and his mouth was slightly open. He looked kinda confused. I just kept on smiling, and it was a real, genuine smile. In a couple of seconds, the male was casually leaning forward, towards my face. He kept his eyes on mine, not breaking the eye contact. Two seconds and our lips met. I widened my eyes as he closed his and melted into the kiss._

 

"Sorry, sir, could you please kick the ball back here?" someone shouted from afar. I had to blink a couple of times to get back to reality. I saw the group of teens watching me impatiently, some of the kids were waving their hands in the air in order to get my attention. I got up clumsily and searched for the football with my eyes. When I got it, I quickly kicked it back to the gang. They continued with their game. I sat back down, exhaling deeply. 

I leaned back, supporting myself with my palms touching the blanket underneath me. I muttered, "I hate memories."

*****

"Hey, Felix, are you ready to go?" My voice was high-pitched for no reason, as if I had been hiding all the non-existent energy inside all this time. Well, I hadn't. I was ready to get my ass back home. 

Felix didn't say a thing. I could see he was in the middle of an epic circle of happening with the book. I decided to collect the stuff that was laying on the blanket, the boy would be extremely pissed if I interrupted him now. Not that it would be possible in the first place.

By the time I had gotten all of the things collected, Felix had closed his book. He handed it to me with an excited grin on his face.

"Can we go get ice cream? You never bring me to eat in any restaurant, I wanna try!" he pleaded, staring at me with a pair of puppy eyes. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Honey, we can't go to a restaurant just to eat ice cream. And in fact, you just ate a full meal." 

"But I want ice cream!" He didn't seem to let it go. I sighed, shaking my head at him.

"We have ice cream back at home. Come on, let's go." I took his hand in mine, starting to lead us to the street. We had come by foot, our house wasn't too far away from the park that we both loved dearly. Yay, let's save the nature!

Felix kept his head down, his plump lips pouting. I frowned. It was difficult. How can you say no to a kid without feeling bad about it? Please, tell me. 

I squeezed the small hand, getting no reaction. I really needed to come up with something to cheer him up.

"Dad!" The little guy stopped walking, causing me to tighten my grip around his hand.

"What now?" I asked, frustrated. We had stopped in front of a small café. 

"They sell ice cream here! Pleaseeee, dad! It's not a restaurant, it's cheap!" He was jumping up and down, pointing at the metallic door. I sighed. 

"Fine. But after this, we're seriously going home, alright?" Felix nodded in agreement, already on his way inside. I jogged after him, opening the door. Felix walked up to the counter and immediately started going through the different flavors. I had to laugh at that, how cute is he!

I approached the desk, and a young-looking, blonde-haired girl came up to us with a big smile on her face.

"How can I help you?" she asked, he voice high. 

"Chocolate ice cream for me!" Felix ordered, pointing the flavor out from the menu. The girl wrote the order onto a piece of white paper, then raised her look up to meet my eyes. 

"Mint," I smiled, earning a nod from her.

"Anything else?" I shook my head. She nodded again, pointing at some empty tables.

"You can go sit down, it doesn't take long." I thanked her, watching as she turned around and disappeared from the sight. I turned around to check out the area a little better. There were ten tables, six of them were filled with some random people. The room was filled with chatter and laughter, everyone was having a pretty good time. 

We sat down at a random table, getting comfortable in the chairs. I set my pack bag down next to my feet. 

"This looks pretty nice," I said to Felix, my eyes were still wandering around the café. "How come I haven't been here before?" Felix shrugged his shoulders. His eyes were glued to the multi-colored _employees only_ door in the back of the room. When it was opened, his eyes lit up. A slim, short figure with a cap covering his head was holding a tray in his hands with two plates of ice cream on it. I couldn't see the guy's face, he kept his whole head low. As if he was focusing on his feet.

When he got to our table, he set the tray down and sighed in relief. I looked up in hopes of seeing his face properly. He took a step back from the table, smiling weakly at me. My frown deepened. There was something in this guy... he looked familiar.

"Thank you," I beamed up at him. Instead of saying anything, he turned around and walked away. My eyebrows shot up in confusion. 

"Don't worry," a voice said behind me. "Koskinen is like that to everybody." I turned around to be greeted by a black-haired guy, obviously in his late fifties. 

"Koskinen?" I asked, unsure. He nodded, rolling his eyes.

"People say he's been in a mental hospital. They say he's crazy, sick in the head." He moved his finger in a circle next to his head. 

Koskinen. I was sure I had heard the name before.

"Wait. Koskinen... Koskinen who?" I asked. I needed to solve this thing, it wasn't something I wanted to keep me awake at night.

"Can't remember. Koskinen is his last name. I think it was something like... Sewwie Koskinen... or Sowwy. Something like that," he shrugged, "not an American, that's for sure. Never heard him talk properly. I don't know if he talks at all," he smirked, turning back in his seat. The gossiping was over. My brain was ticking. I recognize the name.

_"I'm Sauli Koskinen," the boy introduced himself. Roger threw a look towards him, and the boy, Sauli, sighed and bowed._

_"Hello, Sauli..."_

_"It's Sow-lee. Please, if you are going to call me by name, do it right."_

_"Sow-lee. OK, I understand."_

I heard myself gasp. The puzzle was finished.

"Sauli Koskinen?" I asked the man. He turned back around.

"Yes, that's it. I don't know about the pronunciation. Like I said, not an American. From Europe, he looks Scandinavian. And most certainly acts like one," he laughed. 

"But... I was told that he's dead," I said, unsure of what I knew at that point. The man shrugged again.

"Well, that could be true. You never know about these foreign folks. Maybe that's why he is sick, who knows. But that boy," he nodded towards _Sauli_ , "sure as hell is a real motherfucker." Sauli was glaring. He was staring at the man I was talking with. When someone pushed him, he slipped through the door like a ninja. I stared, in a total shock. 

"Do you know him or something?" the man asked. 

"Uh, no, no," I shook my head, "Just... heard things about him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeeeeh!


	5. we're all crazy people

Sauli:

 

My eyes never left the two men who were talking. I knew it was about me. I would have lived without that information, but the other one made it clear by looking at me every once in a while, his face blank as he was trying to swallow all the crap that the man was talking to him about. Sometimes they even pointed their fingers at me, how mature.

He didn't know shit. This is how rumors spread, kids. Never gossip, it can bite you in the ass one day.

I watched how the older fellow nodded his head towards me again, giving a knowing look to his new friend. I couldn't stand the jack's face, he was one fucked up customer.

"Back to work, Koskinen," my boss growled at me, pulling me by the shoulder. I took some new menus from the cabinet and glanced back at that one table again. The old fucker had turned back to his whiskey, he was laughing with his friends again. 

"Jaime Felight," I murmured, "fucking bastard."

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to be greeted by Anne's emotionless face. She had a cigarette between her lips and a full pack of matches in her right hand. Her nails were colored black just like the rest of her clothing. Her gorgeous, colorful tattoos were having their moment of glory.

"That guy with the kid over there," she pointed her finger towards the table, "wants a coffee." She rolled her green eyes. "Don't mess up."

" _Don't mess up_ ," I mocked her with a low tone. She shot a look towards me, but decided to let it go this time. 

Matthew handed me a hot cup of coffee, pointing out the table once again like I was a little baby with no brain or ability to think by myself. I set the cup onto a tray and walked to the well-known table once again. 

"Thank you," he said smiling that irritating smile of his. He took the cup into his hands and blew cold air to cool the liquid down a bit. Felight looked up from his drink, smirking at me. How badly I wish I hadn't learned to remember his name, god.

The black-haired male gave me the money, and with that, I left the table, careful to walk straight.

I set the brownish tray down and closed my eyes for a second. Now focus, Sauli.

 

*****

"The day is over, folks! Have a great weekend y'all, see you on Tuesday!" I was relieved to hear those words. Another week of hell was finally over and two days of rest ahead of me. Or, technically three, since Tuesday wasn't a day of work for me.

The employees started to collect their things, some changed their clothes, some left right away. I stuffed my sweaty work-only clothes into my backpack, quickly replacing them with my regular black jeans, a grey t-shirt and a black hoodie.

When I stepped out of the small building and the cold air hit my sweaty face, I understood how tired and sick I really felt. I was walking in jelly, my whole body was shaking. To the kids: take your pills, drink water and sleep tight. In other words, don't do what I do.

I heard myself gasp. I had somehow gotten out of breath after taking less than ten small steps. My head was spinning, I was sure I looked like a drunken piece of shit at the moment.

"Hey!" My heart jumped. "Are you alright?" I looked around, expecting to see some other people, but I was the only one walking there, just like every damn night. I felt my eyebrows furrow in pure confusion.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It sent chills down my back. It was kind of warm. That's what they said. I slowly but surely turned my head enough to see the person's face. And to my surprise, it was the guy from the café. When he got a good look at my face, his eyes widened.

"I'm fine." I shrugged the hand off and broke the uncomfortable eye contact between us. But I couldn't take a step forward. I was too nauseous.

"Sauli?" The sound was barely a whisper. I turned back around to face him, staring at him in disbelief.

"How do you know my name?" This was the first time I had to ask a question like that. I hadn't heard anyone say my name in America in years. And this guy... he knew how to pronounce it. A round of applause, everyone.

The man's face fell after my harmless-to-assume question. It was a mix of confusion, frustration and something like sadness, I would say. He seemed shocked. More shocked than I was.

"You don't remember me?" he gulped. I shook my head. Was I supposed to? Really?

"Um, I don't think so," I frowned. This was getting scary. The guy's hair made him look even taller than he was. He was wearing a lazy, black t-shirt with a brown leather jacket covering the most of it. That was everything I could see, it was darker than dark.

My eyes focused on his face again. He had big, blueish eyes and dark, thick eyebrows. He looked like a proud business man, if I had to describe him shortly. But right now, he looked more sad than proud.

When he didn't find any words to speak, I snapped my fingers in front of his eyes. He blinked, but the creepy expression didn't fade away. "Who the fuck are you?"

He swallowed, "I... I'm Adam Lambert." I shook my head again.

"Doesn't ring a bell," I informed, my frown deepening. "So, how do you know my name?" I asked again. It was creepy as hell.

"Hey, if you don't want to seriously see my face ever again, just say it. Stop acting like you don't know me." He tried to laugh, but fortunately didn't succeed. His laugh had to be just as irritating as his smile.

"Dude, I don't know who the fuck you are. But for the third time in two minutes: how do _you_ know _me_?" 

He let out a soft cough. "We were the ones in love eight years ago," he smiled. Ugh, can you please stop doing that?

"Woah woah, hold on. I have never been in love with anybody. Is this a candid camera or something?" He didn't answer me, just stared like a madman. "Okay whatever. I'm leaving. You obviously are done," I groaned, waving my hands in the air as I turned around and started walking. The feeling of nausea had faded away for the most part, and I was finally able to think straight without the possibility of collapsing from the illness.

"Sauli!" Adam cried out. My insides were burning. My mind was on fire.

"Leave me alone, you creep! Get some help, maybe. Anything, I don't need or want to hear your crap!" I shouted, my throat hurting. What is it with these men? So crazy, so fucking crazy. And Los Angeles is the place to be, my ass.

I exhaled deeply when I realized I had gotten rid of the man, Adam Something. There had to be some kind of secret untold, I knew it. He wasn't just some random, crazy guy, that's for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom. I tried to crack a joke here, didn't work out.


	6. still know your name

Adam:

 

I found no words as I watched Sauli walk away like that, obviously creeped out of his mind. His walking wasn't fast, in fact, it looked like he was having some troubles with it. For a short moment I thought about going to help him, but soon I remembered why I wasn't with him in the first place: he didn't remember me.

It was surreal. Had it really been so long? Eight years can't be enough to take away memories like that. And from what I'd learned, the memories were mostly good.

Sauli had grown so much, I have to say. His hair was shorter now, and he had dyed it even more blonde than it was back then. His facial features were still the same, his expressions mirrored the ones he had when he was nineteen. So pretty.

But one thing that I noticed about his expressions also, was that he wasn't glowing. The smile he showed me was so fake, anyone could notice that. His eyes were full of tiredness and frustration. The bags under them were noticeable. His look was made of glass, figuratively speaking. I didn't remember seeing him like that eight years ago. It was the complete opposite.

Back in the big house, he could smile with his eyes. He was brighter than the sun, so to speak. His white teeth made the beautiful smile perfect. Now, there was no teeth. No eyes. Nothing. Just a forced, tired gesture. If I didn't remember the way he looked like, I wouldn't have been able to tell if it was him or not. It burned my heart. What had happened in those past eight years? 

When I stepped into our living room, I was greeted by a peaceful sight: Ashley sleeping on the couch with Felix curled in a ball beside her, blowing hot air into her chest soothingly. I smiled. My small family made me proud. I felt like I had seriously done something right in my life, for more than just once. But fortunately, I could remember every single thing that could be put in that category. And I honestly think it's just good.

I kneeled down in front of the sleeping pair of gorgeous, breathtaking people, touching Ashley's cheek lightly. Her eyes flattered open, her mouth opening to let out a yawn. She looked down at our son, patting his back a couple times.

"I'll take him to his room," she whispered, wrapping her arms around the child's body and getting up from the couch. She pecked my cheek quickly before exiting the room, climbing up the stairs while singing some tunes into the boy's ear. I sat down and searched for the remote, opening the TV with one single press. I was hoping to find something to watch. No luck. I wasn't into action movies so late at night, and the channels seemed to be full of those. I sighed as I shut the machine and put the remote down, shaking my head. I wasn't tired at all at that point. Instead, my head was hurting from all the thinking that I had done earlier. 

I rose back onto my feet and walked steadily up to the window in the middle of the long wall. The lights of Los Angeles shone brightly against the black, starry sky. Even though I couldn't see the stars clearly, I found the atmosphere. Cars and trucks passed by every once in a while, some people were walking down the street to get to their night clubs. The young folks' laughter could easily be heard through the walls and the closed window. We didn't live in the very city for a reason. None of us were party animals, we didn't like noise at all. And it had been the best option for Felix, too. Only noises that you possibly heard came from the children and the cars, but other than that, it was perfect. This was one good decision by me.

I closed my eyes for a second and opened the window the smallest bit to get some fresh air. The light wind hit my face with less power than I had expected. It was still enough to wipe my hair away from my face. I smiled at the feeling.

"Adam?" I turned around and saw Ashley leaning against the doorframe with a small grin on her face. I closed the window quickly, returning a smile. She gestured to the stairs. "Are you coming?" she asked. I decided to just nod as I took her hand in mine and started heading towards our bedroom.

 

*****

"...so, can I pleaseeeee go to Stefanie's house today?" Felix ended his long speech. I chuckled as an answer, shaking my head.

"Felix, you don't need to come up with such things to say, that girl lives only across the street. Of course you can go, who am I to make your social life nonexistent, huh?" Felix jumped onto his feet and clapped his hands with such excitement that made me laugh louder. 

"But I have some things to take care of in the city, so I won't be able to come say hi," I continued, apologetic. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't care, I can tell them you said hi!" he commented. "Plus, mom promised to come with me," the boy added, nodding knowingly. I widened my eyes, smirking at him.

"So you talked to her about it already, huh?" I asked, playfully placing my hands onto my hips, which caused Felix to giggle and shake his head, amused. 

"Alright. I need to go now, work cannot wait," I said as I glanced over at the clock, which actually was a present from someone, had been in our household for five-ish years.

"Bye dad," was the last thing I heard before I stepped out of the house, once again, to get myself going again. 

To be correct, I didn't have any "real" business on Sundays, and this day wasn't an exception. But there were some things that I wanted to get information about.

I hopped into my silverish car and started it, pulling out of the space that was big enough to fit two cars in. My eyes were wandering around as I drove slowly. The café that I had visited yesterday should be around the corner.

And there it was. I parked my car and exited it, studying the large windows. Everything was black. 

"Oh, right, it's Sunday..." I rolled my eyes at my stupidity. Well, some restaurants are open seven days a week, so this is understandable, right?

I stopped in front of the door of the old house, studying the texts.

_CAFÉ SHINING STAR - OPEN TUE-SAT, FROM 7AM TO 10PM._

Shining Star? I shook my head, who comes up with these names? It's funny. Shining Star, Lightning, Starchild's Favorite Meal... Damn, it's endless fun.

"Hey, sir! Need help?" A low female voice was heard behind me. I cleared my throat and turned around to see the person. She was looking at me, expecting to get some sort of answer from me. I thought for a moment. Should I... No, that would be weird. But I seriously need help... Alright, whatever, Adam.

"H-hello. Yes, actually, yes, thank you, miss..." I looked around while raising my hand up to shake hers. She flashed me a big smile, which made me notice her cool lip piercing.

"Carley. Matilda Carley. It's nice to meet you, um..."

"Adam Lambert," I introduced myself. We shook hands.

"It's funny," she started, "I was going to come to meet one of my friends at the café, and of course I forgot that it's not open today." I laughed.

"That's exactly me!" I commented. "So, does your friend work here?" I asked, careful to not make any stupid moves. She nodded her head.

"Yeah! I never learn," she rolled her eyes. "You seem a little lost though."

"Yes, about that. Do you happen to know this man named Sauli Koskinen? Works here." I gestured to the café behind us. Matilda's eyebrows furrowed and she frowned, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Wow, the man seriously wasn't really digged here.

"Sauli Koskinen... Yes, I actually do know him. I wasn't expecting you to... or whatever." The way she pronounced his name was making my ears bleed. I didn't dare to correct her, it didn't matter that much.

"Well good! Because I am looking for him." I noticed the excitement in my voice. 

"Um, you must be a very good friend then," she laughed sarcastically. 

"Excuse me?" I was clearly missing something.

"Well, he doesn't really have any friends, not that I know of anyway. And people usually avoid him the best they can." She didn't look like she was happy about that. Thank fuck. I felt a wave of guiltiness run through me. 

"But yes, I was actually going to visit him again today, just to check if he's alright and shit. You can come with me... God this is so weird," she mumbled. 

Check if he's alright? What the hell? Wasn't he like twenty-six or something? 

"That's cool, I really need to talk to him," I said. Matilda tried to smile, failing.

"We'll see how that works out."

 

We talked about random stuff as we walked towards Sauli's place. Matilda was pretty easy to get along with. She talked a lot, which was nice. She told me some small facts about Sauli, the ones that I already knew, but I wasn't planning on opening up about that topic to Matilda. It's private enough for me. And I don't think Matilda was too interested, anyway.

"Here we are!" I looked away from the red head and took in the view in front of me. There wasn't much to look at. Your typical house, really, nothing weird or awesome. It was brown, every window was blocked by black curtains. There was nothing in the yard, no car, no benches, nothing. I wondered how it looked like on the inside.

Matilda led me to the front door and knocked. At first it was a silent knock, but after a moment it grew louder.

I heard quiet footsteps make their way to the door. When they stopped, the door's handle made a move, and the door opened.

"Matilda?" The man's voice gave the confusion away. "What are you-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence before he noticed me. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. The atmosphere was thick. I searched for words to say, but zero came out of my mouth. Sauli just stared in disbelief. Matilda dropped her look. I gulped. I wasn't good at saving this kind of situations. It's the complete opposite. I would make it worse.

The next sentence that was said by Sauli surprised me.

"Come in." The tone was stiff and his eyes clearly told me to kill myself right there. Matilda stepped in, pulling me by the arm to follow her. She closed the door behind us and led me through the small hall, Sauli walking behind us. The woman acted all natural, she brought me water from the kitchen and walked around the small house like it was her home.

Sauli sat on a black couch, looking at nothing. Matilda had gone upstairs to do god knows what. I wasn't complaining though - I liked being alone with this man, no matter how mad he was. You've got my permission to call me crazy.

"It's a nice house. Very simple and cool. I like it," I tried to start a conversation. No answer. 

"The decoration is done by a genius. You must be into it," I continued. Dumb. So fucking dumb. 

The blonde raised his head. "I haven't done shit to this house," he murmured. "Matilda did it all. And you don't have to act all nice about it. I know it's ugly as fuck. And I don't give a crap," he added. I noticed him rolling his eyes at me.

"Well, I personally find this ve-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Sauli raised his voice, glaring at me, like a murderer. It took me off guard. This guy was nothing like Sauli. Was it the same person?

"I'm sorry," I mumbled after a minute. He sighed, shaking his head.

"Look. This is weird as fuck, alright? The only reason why I let you in was because of Matilda. You clearly know her or something. And I'm not a dickhead like that." Sure... "Plus, it got me curious. And now I want to get answers from you." His look was deadly serious. "How do you really know my name, Adam Lambert?"


	7. I would rather be mute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!

Sauli:

 

I heard Matilda walking around the house, her high heels making ear-crushing sounds. I shoot my head up to meet her stare.

"Do you need something?" I asked even though I knew perfectly well what she was up to. She looked behind her, then back at me with an unsure pair of eyes.

"Got any wine?" I rolled my eyes.

"No money to buy any," was my answer. The redhead gave me an apologetic look, biting her lips together. I waved my hand in front of my face, a gesture of 'whatever'. 

"I can go buy some for us! If you want to be alone for a moment..." I didn't get to say anything back, she was already out the door. I let an exhausted sigh leave my throat.

When I looked straight ahead, I noticed the black-haired man again. Right, he's here. His gaze was wandering around the small living room, awkward and hesitant. I cleared my throat, having his look on me again.

"Are you two good friends?" I asked, nodding towards the hall. Adam shook his head, a small smile lingering on his lips.

"No. I actually met her like, thirty minutes ago," he told me. "She's very nice, a good talker..." he added, and I noticed how careful he was trying to be with his choice of words. 

"Mmm, maybe so," I shrugged while playing with my fingers, which were shaking again. I frowned down at them as if they were alive. 

" _Stop,_ " I snapped, rubbing my hands together.

"What?" I met Adam's amused expression. I huffed, shaking it off as nothing. He didn't look satisfied.

"You're shaking." No shit Sherlock. For real?

"I'm not. It's your eyes," I replied, keeping my voice as even as possible. I wasn't nervous. I was never nervous. I usually made other people nervous and uncomfortable. I swallowed the lump in my dry throat. 

"Are you alright?" I then asked, looking directly at Adam. His greyish eyes were difficult to read, or maybe even impossible.

"I think so." He was unsure and confused, I could tell. "But you are not. Don't even try to deny it," he continued. He raised his hand up and pointed at my hands. I waved them around quickly and laughed awkwardly. 

"I am. Shut up about me, I'm good." The smile I was holding on my face started hurting very quickly, so I dropped it. There's really no point in smiling just to get your point across. I wasn't even telling the truth.

I looked around the room. All of the windows were shut, I never kept them open anyway. The curtains didn't let any light come through. I had placed some small, old lamps around the house, in case I needed some proper light. It was all very dim though, but it had always been good enough for me.

I drank down the water that was left in my glass. The room was deadly quiet again. That's all good, Adam's voice is some irritating shit. No offense, not many people have beautiful voices anyway, if none. 

"So..." he started again. I was screaming in my head. Don't _so_ me, you idiot. "You really don't remember me? You aren't just playing around or some shit like that. It wouldn't be cool." His focus was completely on me, while mine was wondering around weird thoughts.

"I don't. I'm serious. Your constant questioning is getting old already," I said, rolling my eyes. 

Adam leaned his head from one side to another multiple times before asking, voice tender and serious again, "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" 

He sighed and shook his head, then stood up. He placed his ass next to me on the couch and looked at me, knowing perfectly well that I knew what he was talking about. I wasn't that easy.

"That... that topic is pretty fucked up to even bring up anymore," I said. I didn't like talking. At all. This guy didn't want to let go.

"Maybe I could help?" he answered.

"I don't think so, honestly."

"Please?" Yes, he definitely was not letting go. I bit my lips together, quickly trying to come up with some clear, easy things to say. I found something.

"Some dude shot me," I stated. 

At first, he didn't seem to understand. His eyebrows were living their own life, his expressions changing every second. I looked ahead, slightly scared now.

"Are you for real now?" Adam laughed forcefully. "That ain't funny, Sauli." 

I said nothing to that. Should be a good answer to that question. I played with my fingers, relieved to notice that they had stopped shaking for now. One thing less to worry about.

"Holy shit!" Adam gasped, wide-eyed as he got his brain working again. I met his eyes, looking so confused and surprised. 

"I don't remember a lot of things. I mean, some parts of my late childhood are still here, but then it jumps. I remember the shooting, weird enough. But almost nothing between that and my, let's say thirteenth birthday."

"Max told me that you were dead," Adam commented. I choked on my breath as I slapped my palm against my forehead.

"When did you see _him_?"

"A couple days back. He seemed pretty happy. Have you talked with him?" 

"No." I didn't feel the need to start going through that subject with Adam, not yet anyway. Maybe never. Important stuff comes first.

"That's crazy," he said. I could see him take quick glimpses at my head. 

"At first I tried to grow my hair to hide the scar," I told him, "but it didn't really work out. I've learned to live with it. Sometimes I would wear hats to cover it up. I don't really like my hair long, so." I placed the tip of my index finger next to the spot that had been pierced by the bullet.

"It's healing though. You can still see it if you look closer." Adam immediately brought his face closer towards the side of my head.

"It looks like a mosquito bite," he said. "Does it hurt?"

"Just by touching it, it doesn't cause any pain. But yes, it hurts," I sighed and dropped my hand. "It hurts really badly." I sniffed, succeeding to keep the tears from falling down my cheeks. "I'm just glad that I'm still living. Kind of. I moved to Los Angeles to start everything from the beginning again. So far, I haven't succeeded. I'm too odd for this city to handle," I added, shrugging my shoulders. 

Adam waved his hands in the air. "You're not odd. People just don't know you." I laughed at that.

"Well, sometimes it feels like I don't know shit about myself, either. It sucks. I would love to remember. I'm sure my teenage years were damn awesome," I smiled sadly. "I wish I could've stayed in Europe."

Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of my front door opening and closing. Matilda's back.

"Hello guys! I got the wine and some chocolate to cheer everyone up!" The woman set the bottle of red liquid down onto the table, as well as a box of dark chocolate. 

"I hope I didn't interrupt you," she said, looking down at us. I shook my head, "No, it's fine." I didn't know if I was glad that she had come. I would have liked to continue the conversation with Adam, maybe. 

"Here are our glasses. And there you go," Matilda hummed as she poured half of the bottle into the glasses that weren't even proper for wine. 

"Thank you," Adam smiled sweetly at her as he raised the glass up to his lips and took a sip. "Delicious." Matilda laughed with him. 

"So, Adam, do you have a family of your own?" she asked him. The man nodded and started excitedly telling more about it. I felt rude for not giving a fuck about his life after he had been listening to my worries all focused and interested.

Matilda kept laughing and commenting on some stuff. I didn't dare to touch my wine glass, not wanting to make any sound that would possibly interrupt the happy talking that was somehow calming to me.

I don't know how long that lasted. Maybe about thirty minutes. I just sat there, staring at my full glass, overhearing some sentences that were coming from mostly Adam's mouth.

"I think it's better for me to leave now. It was nice. The wine was so good," I heard Adam say. I looked up at him and immediately met his warm eyes. He was smiling down at me.

"My thoughts exactly, I have to get some paperwork done at home," Matilda mused. I nodded, not bothering to stand up.

"We'll talk again soon, right?" Adam asked with his eyebrows raised up, waiting for me to answer.

"I guess." With that, they both were out the door. 

I waited for a few minutes, not knowing what to do with my life. Get the feeling of emptiness once the noises are completely gone? Yes, that's exactly me.

A few more minutes. Just a few. I clapped my hands together in rhythm silently, exhaling and inhaling, calming down. Then I finally stood up from the couch and let out some kind of a weird cry.

"What the hell was that!" I screamed, mainly at myself. I groaned in pure frustration. 

Exactly. What the hell was that? What the hell was wrong with me? Why did that perfect piece of heaven talk to me like I was his best friend? I didn't understand anything.

Such a stupid, little man.


	8. Smooth moves, Adam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it has been a while. Because I'm very horrible when it comes to updating, everyone's seen that. 
> 
> However, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Don't sue me.

Adam:

 

I was staring anxiously at the rear window of the way too yellow car in front of me. It was covered in stickers and messy text, which was mostly some bands' logos and swear words. I could almost smell alcohol in my nostrils. 

The problem was that I hadn't moved from this spot for a good five minutes. People were honking and shouting back and forth, some had come out of their vehicles to scream in others' faces. A car to my right was packed with people, who all were nodding their heads to the beat of the music that everyone involved in the traffic jam could hear.

"You know, it could be worse," Matilda said from the passenger seat. "I mean, it could be raining."

I sighed as an answer. I am the most impatient person to walk on this planet, and it took all of my energy to keep myself from stepping out of my car and go running down the road through the mass of trucks and bright-colored sports cars.

"Look; you can just hop out of the car and walk. I think this is going to take a while. These idiots are horrible."

Matilda huffed, sounding amused as she said, "Dude, I'm in no hurry. And besides, I really want to get to know Sauli's friend better." She didn't give me a chance to protest before continuing, "Of course, it's really none of my business. But I'm still kind of shocked to find out that he's got someone who knows his first name, besides me."

I tapped the steering wheel to a random rhythm. My eyes were wandering over the cars on the road, stopping numerous times to take a closer look on something or someone. I was ready to go home, completely ready. 

"You're pronouncing his name wrong," I said after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence between the two of us. I caught her raising her eyebrow in the corner of my eye. "I thought you should know." I dared to lift my head to the side to see her face better, and I smiled at her. She laughed.

"Oh, those Scandinavian names are a pain in the ass," she laughed it off. "I know how they pronounce it, but you know, I always fuck it up." Matilda rolled down her window, letting the voices of the busy people run over me like a train. I grimaced.

 

After another five minutes of silent waiting (for us, which I preferred), the jam finally cleared and we were headed off to Matilda's house. She had to give me the directions, of course, but we made it there with no problem. 

"Hey, dare I ask you something?" Her voice was a lot more tender than at Sauli's place. She seemed to be thinking a lot.

I mumbled something that could be translated as _sure_ , which it probably was since Matilda sort of beamed at me.

"You should... I don't know." She moved her hands around. "Look, Sauli is pretty fucking lonely, with no actual friends or people who give two shits about him, as you probably saw." She nodded towards the city area. "So, I was thinking... Maybe you should go see him more? Like, just hang out and keep him company. He's not very fond of me, you know. I think he really needs a friend. You guys get along pretty well, it seems."

My instant answer was said almost too loudly, "Of course!" Matilda giggled. She let her smile grow wider as she unbuckled her seat belt and opened the car door.

"That's awesome! He's got no work tomorrow or the day after, you should totally go by and say hi. I'm sure he'll be happy."

*****

"What the fuck are you doing here? I don't remember getting myself a therapist of some kind." Sauli had his arms crossed across his chest as he stared up at me, his face completely expressionless. He was wearing a sweater and black jeans. It was hot as hell outside.

I nervously lifted my weight from one foot to another every two seconds. I wasn't prepared to give any speeches. "Uh, I wanted to know if you'd like to hang out?" It sounded more like a question than I had intended it to.

"Yeah, no. I have stuff to take care of," he told me, gritting his teeth. I raised an eyebrow.

"What kind of stuff?" Huh, that's a good question, Adam. It totally has everything to do with you.

"The none-of-your-fucking-business kind. Would you care to dance your ass out of my house now?" Still so sassy. I fought the urge to laugh at his adorable attempts to look threatening. I still shook my head disapprovingly.

"Dude, you were all good yesterday. What's up?" The blonde made a face, which lasted for two seconds before disappearing like it had never been shown. He muttered something, maybe cursing the hell out of me.

"Well, you don't have the right to come to me like we're good friends or something, because we are not, in fact, good friends at any level. I appreciate your concern and all, but seriously, I'm more than good. You don't need to come babysit me," he stated with a rather hard expression now. I didn't know what to say to that, any kinds of arguments would most likely turn out invalid.

With no plans in mind, I was kind of an idiot to come here in the first place. My brain was trying to come up with something easy and harmless as quickly as possible, making no progress. I just stared blankly into the blue eyes of the younger man.

"Uh, I can take you to dinner?" He slammed the door in my face. I hadn't realized how fast my heart was beating until now. Keep calm, don't make a scene, count to ten. I exhaled, having my eyes fixated on the door with no sights of Sauli. "Well that went great."

 

I decided to return the next morning. This time, I had prepared to give a long speech if necessary, and had actual plans to go with it. I wasn't going to give up this easily.

Two knocks on the door, and I knew I was going to face a ton of problems, including sassy bitching and angry shouting, more or less. I breathed too heavily, my hands were slightly sweating, and the nervous vibes I had within myself showed up again.

A minute passed. Another one. I knocked again. And again. I knew to give it some time, it was obvious that he was home.

The door started to open slowly. Behind it stood a very pale and tired-looking Sauli. He was wearing some pajama pants that hung loosely from his hips, as well as a black, long-sleeved shirt.

"Good morning," I greeted with a smile that was more forced than it should have been.

I got nothing in return. He stared at me blankly with bloodshot eyes. When I asked if I could come in, everything he did was back away from the doorway. I closed the door behind my back and set my backpack on the floor next to my feet. 

All the energy Sauli had seemed to have had disappeared. He was looking at the floor, his hands behind his back. He looked so ill and small in the middle of the dark hallway. The speech that I had prepared was long gone, leaving me with nothing to say.

Two small steps forward and I kneeled down in front of the boy. "Hey, what's up?" 

"You woke me up," he whispered. "I was sleeping." I made a face. It was ten in the morning.

I stuttered out an apology, but didn't will myself to get up and leave. It probably would have been the best thing to do, to let the poor guy get some rest. But there might be more to it than just the lack of sleep. He looked sick. Not feverish, but still, very ill.

"Are you sick?" 

"Are you a doctor?" 

I shook my head. "No, but can you answer my question?" He shrugged while licking his dry lips.

"I'm always sick," he stated. "Just gotta sleep, it'll go away eventually." He turned around and started walking down the hall. I followed him, taking notes of each and every step he took. Much like the penguin walk that I had seen him attempt doing on the street earlier.

We stepped into the living room. The couch was covered with a red bed sheet and a purple blanket hanging from the far end of the sofa. Sauli was obviously sleeping there.

"Why are you in my house, again?" he shot me the question that I was fully prepared to give an answer for.

"Wanted to keep you company. You know, hang out and stuff." Sauli forced a laugh. He laid down on the couch, bringing his knees up to his chest with a rather painful expression spread across his face. "Sauli?"

"I don't need you to keep me company. I'm so fucking tired. All I need is rest, that's it." He had his eyes closed now, the right side of his head buried in the pillow.

I watched him from a distance for a while. He seemed to be falling back to sleep. I sighed deeply when his body relaxed against the sheets, his breathing finally even.

Don't even mention how creepy I must look, standing in the corner of the living room with a short, blond guy sleeping a few feet away from me. I felt kind of uneasy like that.

The couch made a tiny creaking sound. "Adam?"

"Yeah?"

Sauli sat back up with his knees resting against his chest. "What the hell are you still doing here?"

_I was just going to check that you'd be all good_. "I was just going to leave, if you're sure you don't-"

" _Dude_."

I swallowed, "Right, right. Sorry. I'm just gonna..." I gestured towards the door with a wave of a hand. Sauli watched as I turned around and skipped down the hallway all the way up to the front door. "See you!"

For sure, I heard a quiet mumble, "I hope not," before I walked out the door with my backpack hung over my shoulder.

 

My doorbell rang exactly thirty-four seconds after I stepped in through the door of my own house. For a moment I thought about ignoring it, but when the annoying noise carried on echoing through every hallway, I decided against my first decision.

" _Adaaaaaaaam!_ " someone screamed when the door creaked open. "You should definitely do something to this piece-of-shit door."

"Andy?"

"It's me! Hell, it's been a while. Awesome to see you." My expression might have been full of doubt and _what-the-hell-is-happening_ , since I was shot with a short explanation that I kind of was waiting for, "I just saw you walking and I was like ' _dude, I gotta do this now!_ ' so here I kind of am. Surprise?"

Something like a laugh escaped from my throat. "Yeah, surprise. A big one. Like, huge." Andy didn't seem to notice the tone of my voice. He quickly shook his head and clapped his hands in front of my face, like he'd done out of habit for as long as I could remember.

"So."

"So?"

"Will you let me in or what? Is the house empty?"

"Yeah, but I was just about to go ta-"

Andy cheered loudly while pushing his way past me. He practically rolled on the carpet of the hall before clapping his slim, pale hands again. "Fuck, man. This is some fancy decoration."

I coughed loudly, "Ashley's handiwork."

The uninvited guest grinned at me widely. "How's the little guy doing? Saw him last when he was like, a baby."

"He's still a baby."

"Not in my book."

"Your book doesn't count," I pointed out.

An awkward silence filled the house once again. I was never good at carrying conversations, it would always end up being small, uncomfortable talk with awkward laughing and coughing and _guess_ _I'll see you later_ s. It's kind of bad.

Andy and I had met right after I moved. He was in some crappy band at the time and made me come see the shows which were mostly held in small basements and bars. I wasn't very fond of it, but I didn't really come up with good enough excuses to avoid those events. Not that I would complain though, not to Andy, anyway.

Him and I had tried to come up with some sort of a collaboration when his band was buried, with him trying to play guitar for me. That obviously didn't work out, and that led to Andy disappearing somewhere for a few years. So much fun.

 

I could swear it was an hour later when Ashley arrived with Felix. She hugged Andy (always had been pretty good friends with him, better than me, nonetheless). She chatted around with him, giving Andy the perfect opportunity to be the selfish bastard he always was and talk about every possible thing that he had done while he was "roaming around the country", as he put it. I zoned out quickly and let my mind wander around random topics; what should I cook for dinner? No, I won't cook today. What a lovely weather we are blessed with today, too hot for tuxes. Oh, and _Sauli_.

There was this little part of me that was kind of worried. I didn't know the reason, but I felt the need to go check out on that little creature that was most certainly sleeping right now with no actual hopes of seeing _me_. It's not creepy, is it? No, just, maybe a fatherly instinct. That must be it, I get that with Felix a lot.

But that's what it is; Sauli isn't my son, he's not even related to me in any way. He doesn't even know he knows me. Because that makes sense. In a way he does know me though, at least now, and-

"Adam?" 

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright? You look frightened." Ashley was eyeing me up and down with a rather suspicious look on her face. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it immediately when nothing in my head seemed to make any sense. She raised an eyebrow at me. I knew she knew. Because she apparently knows everything.

"No. I mean, yeah. It's nothing, I'm just tired."

Ashley laughed at that poor statement. "You slept for eleven hours straight." That was a fact. "You know, you can just tell me. Can't be that bad." She leaned against the counter in the average-sized kitchen, waiting for me to burst out everything.

However, I didn't feel comfortable talking about another person's personal life with anyone, especially with my wife. And it was an obvious fact that I didn't know enough about anything, either, so I would be the definition of stupid if I started talking.

"I'm just thinking like I always do. Really, it's no biggie," I tried to convince her - or maybe myself, I'm not actually certain. She seemed to buy it though.

I gritted my teeth. "Where's Andy?"

"Left ten minutes ago."

"Oh." 

Ashley shook her head disapprovingly. "Go take a nap, alright? I'll start with the dinner." She reached up to peck my lips before pushing me out of her work zone.

Yeah, I'm kind of pathetic.


	9. to smile is to say you're sorry

Sauli:

 

Medicine? Check. A warm cup of coffee? Check. Painkillers? Check. Enough sleep to go through the rest of the day? I could survive without.

For once, my body wasn't, in fact, aching anywhere. It was obviously just for this moment, but I was going to enjoy the most of it. Usually I would wake up with a throbbing headache and a very strong need to vomit, but this was different. Even though I was tired, I could walk like a normal person. I was almost happy with myself. Almost.

After downing the last drops of coffee (followed by a lot of groaning and _ohmygod_ s), I lay down on the couch, just feeling the soft fabric under my fingertips. I didn't feel like gripping onto the cushions, either, and I took that as another good sign. Usually I would be pacing around the house with my heart beating somewhere in my throat, palms sweating and silent cries escaping from my mouth. I would feel burning in the back of my throat from shouting at the walls and everything that made the mistake of appearing in front of me.

I swung my legs in the air like I used to do as a kid, completely not over that stage of life just yet. I felt that it was a better way to keep myself moving, to keep myself focused on something even slightly carefree. I hit my thighs with tight fists once, twice, sighing at the wave of pain that didn't last long enough. I was still alive and breathing, this wasn't just the best dream that would never turn into my reality.

My hate towards the condition I was in was almost unbearable. I couldn't understand how much I was missing out on, yet I knew perfectly well. I could have a social life, I'm sure I could. But the people of the city looked at me like they would look at a dead rat after finding it behind the refrigerator of their newly-bought house. I couldn't understand the case; when had I become such a disgusting little thief? I couldn't recall the event. To be fair though, I couldn't recall most of the events of my teenage years, so maybe it all made sense.

I set my feet back down once I began to feel them starting to go numb. I rested them against the back of the sofa, feeling kind of restless again. My hands were massaging my scalp tenderly, even though it didn't do anything to me - no aching, remember? It didn't feel good, either, probably because I couldn't make myself feel good in any way, completely literally speaking. I never had the power within myself to set myself at peace with a snap of fingers or something like that. It just didn't work that way for me. My anxiety problems were too bad. I hated it.

Whenever I felt like I would lose my mind (or die, or be sick, anything), I would dig my fingernails into my flesh, bang my head against the wall, scream insults at myself, because it all was too much. I couldn't handle it. That was why I stayed home, only visited the "outer world" to go to work or shop for food. I couldn't risk anything more than I had to. It sucked, but it was my only option. There was no medicine that would get these issues completely out of my life. They had been relevant for way too long, yet I was still not used to them. What a waste of oxygen, I would say for myself.

I bit my lip as I got up off the couch. I left the room silently, walking up the stairs into my bedroom. It was a complete mess. There was broken glass all over the floor next to the wall closest to the door, probably from a picture that once had been framed on the angry-red wall. My gaze ran past those quickly, I didn't want to touch them. Next to the window stood a tall lamp, which had been broken for a long while now. The curtains had been carefully pulled in to cover the view outside. This house's location was completely out of my liking. Too much noise, people, barking dogs, life.

Finally I reached what I had been looking for; the sketchbook that I had found hiding behind some old bookshelf that the people who lived here before me had left behind. I picked it up from the bare mattress, blowing hot air onto it. Some dust left the covers of the book, causing me to cough lightly.

The sketchbook was - surprisingly so - full of drawings by me. Most of them were just silly doodles with some shitty lines written across them, mostly good song lyrics that I was obsessed with. That, or some lyrics written by me. I wouldn't consider myself a good writer, it all was a little off each time in my opinion, but as good a way to kill time as any, I suppose. Of course that wasn't the only reason for me to draw and write shitty, sappy crap - there was an emotional, darker point to it. Very mainstream, very sad and more purposeful than anything. Enjoyable, that's why I did it.

Once I had returned to the living room, I sat down and started going through the pages. Half of them were already filled with stuff yet to be colored, the other half was just white paper. The store that I preferred going to didn't sell any crayons, and I had convinced myself that it wasn't too important. Colors weren't too important.

I grabbed a pencil from the table in front of me, biting onto it. I mostly never knew what to draw beforehand, it all just came naturally for the most part. It was never something unbelievably good or mesmerizing, but...

Just as the tip of the pencil touched the empty page of the sketchbook, my doorbell rang. I froze immediately for a few, long seconds. I was not expecting anyone - I was never expecting anyone. My fingers tightened around the pencil as I closed the book and set it down, way too slowly, completely on purpose. I stood up, not wanting to hesitate like a little kid. That wasn't me. That wasn't me after drinking too much coffee.

I walked my way down the hall and to the front door. There were two people who could possibly show up from behind it. Either Matilda, which was very unlikely, due to many things. Then there's that Adam, and that was very unlikely too, because I had just told him to go away earlier, if it wasn't just some silly dream. I doubted it.

But it wasn't, in fact, surprising to be greeted by Adam's blue eyes once I got the door all the way open. He looked surprised, like he wasn't expecting to see me. That's weird, since this was my house and all.

I tilted my head to the side. "Hi?"

"Hello!" he beamed with a bright wave of a hand, "Did you sleep well?" I was desperately trying to look as bored as humanly possible, wishing for him to get the hint and not come here ever again. He obviously didn't get it. "I'm going to take you to dinner! Go change, I'll be right here, waiting," he exclaimed. He sounded like an over-excited TV-show host, and kind of looked like one, too, with the white tuxedo on.

I stared up at him with disbelief. "That is not going to happen," was my delayed reply. His face didn't fall.

"Of course it is! Look, we're gonna go have some fun, I know you need some fresh air. There's a nice, little restaurant not too far away from here, you're going to love it!" His laugh still hurt my ears. God, I was starting to really dislike him. Fuck the good looks.

"No, for real, I'm not going to come eat anything with you, thank you very much." I stopped for a second. "I'm sure you'll find someone else."

He whined. Yes, whined, "But I really want to go with you. Like, I bet you don't have anything else to do, so why not? The food they serve is literally the best you'll ever eat, I swear." He had a toothy grin stuck on his face.

A slight panic was starting to develop inside my head. I didn't want to go out. Especially with another person. It was too weird and scary and unbelievably _risky_. I shook my head at the tall guy standing in front of me. "No."

"Yes, yepity-yes! Come on, Sauli! You seem to feel a lot better than six hours ago. Maybe the sun will do you more good." This man was not giving up. But I knew my boundaries, and he was definitely trying to push them down without knowing it.

When he asked to come in, I couldn't do anything to stop him, so I decided to give in right away. I closed the door but didn't move a limb as he turned around to face me again.

"Hey, you're going to regret this later if you don't come," he pointed out. I rolled my eyes. _I'm going to regret everything if I come with you_ , I wanted to say, but knew better than to open my mouth. It would cause a shitstorm of questions that I did not feel comfortable answering.

Adam laughed again. It took everything I had to keep every rude comment inside my stomach. "Dude, come on. You won't regret it."

"Bet I will," I mumbled, loudly enough for him to hear. He let out an over-dramatic sigh.

"It's fine if you don't have a fancy suit or anything, really. The restaurant is cool, not too fancy. They have pizza, too, if that's what you are into."

I made a face. "Definitely not. And a suit isn't a problem."

"Well, you'll find something you like once you see the menu." Silence. I was looking at anywhere but Adam. I couldn't obviously tell him to leave, since he apparently thought we were the closest of friends or something. "Uh, what's the problem, then?" he decided to ask.

"I just don't want to fucking come. Do you seriously not understand English? You seem to speak it fine," I snapped, looking up at the big blue eyes. "I said no, and I actually mean it."

A silent _oh_ was heard as Adam dropped his look. Now he was the one avoiding eye contact. Great.

"Fuck, man. I just... I don't want to. It's nothing personal." I bit my lip at the sound of my pathetic attempts to say _sorry_. Too difficult.

Adam remained silent. He was standing there, in the middle of my hallway, in a white tuxedo, looking like he had just come back from the church. Something about this situation made my stomach sink a little lower. I disliked the feeling - I didn't want to feel sorry. That's not how it was supposed to go, like, at all. I was supposed to be as cool with anything as possible. 

But he looked so damn _disappointed_. I hated making people feel that way. That very look that one gives you when you've crushed their biggest dreams or whatever... It's kind of heart-breaking. Makes me feel like crap, too.

I tried to come up with something, anything, to lighten up the mood. I wasn't going to give in and go anywhere. But anything that would get Adam to smile again was good. I never thought I'd say something like that.

"I... um." I hesitated. Think, Sauli, think. You're smart, anything. Nothing.

Adam cleared his throat, stating uncomfortably, "Maybe another time, then?" I shook my head because I was an idiot.

"No. No, I won't come to a restaurant with you. Ever. Like, completely serious."

"Why?"

I groaned. Why was he so damn curious? This made my life a little bit harder. "Can't you just let it go, like normal people would do? We're talking about stuff that isn't really your business, so," I made a random gesture with my hands. "So..." I was stuck in the middle of two sentences. I didn't know what to say anymore, but it felt like more had to be said before anyone could go on with their lives. "I hope you get it," I finished lamely. Of course he doesn't get it, he wants to be a pushy bastard. Maybe he doesn't want to understand? No clue.

Adam shifted awkwardly. "Yeah, I'm sorry for coming here like this. I wasn't thinking. No big deal, that's fine."

"I didn't even fucking apologize for anything," I pointed out. He ignored the comment, seemed to be talking to himself more than to anyone else.

"I'm just gonna leave, again. Thanks for your time, though. Or letting me try, I don't even know," he muttered, searching for the door knob. I watched as he made his way out the door, slowly approaching the gate that isolated my house from the others, pretty much. His shoulders were hung low as he kicked some rocks out of his way.

A groan was heard. It was totally me. I stepped out of the house, or, one half of my body did, as I shouted, "Why don't you stay for like, wine or something?" His head snapped up as he turned around. The confused, o-shaped mouth was quickly replaced by the now-almost-familiar, toothy grin. I half-smiled back.

 

I avoided touching the wine that I had poured into my glass some moments earlier. My guest didn't seem to notice (or care), so I allowed myself to relax while he made small talk. I listened closely as Adam talked about random stuff, about mostly nothing. He laughed, fucking _giggled_ , from time to time, and I succeeded to keep from grimacing.

Adam poked me in the arm with his elbow, making me yelp in surprise. "Hey," he said, smiling down at me again. This smile didn't contain any teeth, which I was thankful for, but his eyes sparkled like motherfucking glittery unicorn horns. I didn't want to smile back, so instead I turned my head around to hide my stupid grin. I felt disappointment towards myself for letting a wall down, because honestly, this was a huge thing for me. I would have preferred being alone in the house, without any pretty-looking Adams laughing around the living room, drinking _my_ wine from _my_ not-very-wine glass. 

When I succeeded to wipe the smile off my face, I turned back around to face Adam with my signature blank expression. I raised my eyebrows as a question. The dark half-stranger wasn't even looking at me in the eyes. He was staring at the side of my head. I felt his eyes burning a new hole into my skull as I dropped my gaze once again.

I felt kind of judged, even though I was beginning to be certain that I wasn't. Not by Adam, anyway. It felt different in a good way, and familiar in a strange way, I couldn't place it though. It wasn't the feeling that I would get when complete strangers - that Adam still kind of was to me - stared for a second too long. It was weird, and way beyond me. So beyond that I dropped the thought, too tired to think so deeply.

"For the record, I genuinely like this house," Adam said, very out of the blue. That reminded me of the last time we had sat down in the living room. That wasn't such a peaceful event, not at first.

"Sorry for being an asshole," I apologized a little more than half-heartedly. Adam never stopped smiling, not even when he took another sip of the cheap wine.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are well appreciated here.


End file.
